Yep, you’re right … I replied sarcastically

This is an example of what it can be like living with Relationship OCD. Otherwise I guess you could call it intrusive thoughts that focus on my relationship.

So today I got an intrusive thought. 
I recalled (for no apparent reason) a story of this guy (he’s a friend of a friend).
that he had cheated on his partner numerous times (whom he has children with). Then he proposed to his partner after she found out, and she said yes. And then years later he continued on to have an affair with this other woman, even though he was still with his partner (now wife??) and their children. Then I also find out (or came to the conclusion) that he actually ended up leaving his partner to be with this other woman and then he actually married her. So that was my intrusive thought of the day. The kind of thought that usually stings me like a hornet.

These are the kinds of thoughts that can be very troubling to someone that suffers from intrusive thoughts that centre around their relationships. After years of suffering (torture would be a more fitting word) I actually found out that I am not alone, that there are many suffering from what is known as Relationship OCD.

But today, I just said, yep (sarcastically), thats what I am going to do, I am going to go off and have an affair, I’m never going to be able to break it off, and then I’m going to marry that person. Yep, that is what is going to happen.

I’m deliberately exposing myself by writing this, because apparently, with intrusive thoughts, that is what you are suppose to do.

Thanks for listening!




When things don’t go how I plan

Thats how I felt about today.
Things didn’t quite go as I planned them to.
I’ve been doing so super-duper well, however today somehow things got to me a bit.

I think it was triggered at the beginning of the day when I spoke to my parents.
I could “feel” my Dad about to say something that was going to trigger my OCD, so I “cleverly stopped him” … which means I went into avoidance by stopping him elaborate. Naughty me.

One thing that trips me up is the whole “meant to be thing” And that is what Dad was about to waffle on about. He was going to say how it was lucky they had a “accident” early on in their travels because if they didn’t it would have been a much worse disaster later on in their travels. THAT is what upset my OCD brain. It probably would have been alot less hurt if I had just let him finish his waffle. Instead of taking it so personally, and thinking that he was somehow applying it to me, I could have chosen to allow him to feel good about his story. But I didn’t, I shut it out by trying to protect myself.

Then I went on to talk about life here and how I have never regretted moving continents, I said this despite what my OCD might say about it. Because of course it is always going to try and say the opposite is true. So thats all good really – good that I exposed myself.

However it was the waffle from Dad that got me. Dad. I always worry what he is going to say. He’s the type of person that would put his foot in it with me, as he’s a bull in a china shop.

Then I got on the phone to my husband later this evening and we had a semi-argument. Not what I planned, but I was feeling a bit anxious and a bit upset with myself that somehow the squirmy-wormy-ocd wriggled in.

Oh and one more thing, I pressed the search button tonight, so I accidentally was a bit compulsive too. More out of an old habit though that to relieve my obsession.

Anyway, thanks for watching. That was my day. Today I got a little OCD, Relationship OCD that is.

rOCD Hope stories #1

I thought I’d put together some links of some other stories of people that survived Relationship OCD. I would say, that the way any kind of OCD starts, is when we question. I think when we question, that is when we run into trouble and become unsure. This is the originating trigger. The excerpt below is not my story, but parts of someone elses story that just might help!!!

Eventually I sorted out my doubts about my marriage and learned that it doesn’t matter, that there is no “answer” to love and it doesn’t matter if you have doubts about your feelings. Many people do and it’s normal. I eventually learned that love is not something out there that serves you to make you feel good all that time. I learned that all the things I felt marriage was supposed to GIVE me was not owed to me but what I had to build. I finally saw how selfish a person I really was and decided to do things more for other people instead of taking and expecting. Eventually I learned to let things go and that was the beginning to my slow road to recovery.
Even after I started changing myself for the better, the effects of my depression, anxiety, and ocd have really taken a toll on my mind and body and was taking on a life of it’s own. I started improving by learning to let go of my over concerns for feeling good. Here was the key for me, once I gave up having to feel perfect that was when I actually started getting better. One guy at work who has lifelong insomnia told me that my insomnia was nothing. He told me I was just an amateur insomniac he said, “you gotta be like me, and not give a shiit”. I couldn’t accept that initially, but eventually I understood that by not accepting my problem I was making it worse.
My gay ocd I started to conquer when my sister asked me if I still liked girls. I told her yeah. But I can’t stop looking at men. Eventually I saw that the way I look at men and women are totally different. When I look at men I look at them because I am scared that I’d be attracted to them and that gives me anxiety.
Eventually I said to myself what’s the worst thing I can be? Bisexual? So what? Bisexuals can choose, what’s your choice? When it came to having sex with men, I asked myself is this what I want? My answer was no. Do I PLAN on actually pursuing a homosexual encounter and reenacting these scenarios in real life? My answer was hell no. Do I plan to? No. So do I want to? No. Eventually after a long time, I could let that go. Like my insomnia once I stopped caring about the worst case scenario of being bisexual, the fears started tapering off.
In any case the more I came to realize this the more I could release my obsession with my obsessions and anxiety if that makes any sense. When I stopped running from my own crazy imagination and just let them be, the less they occurred.
I saw the undercurrent of my own being if you will, who I am, who I was, and know now that it’s up to me to become who I want to become. Thoughts, feelings, emotions… I guess in the past that’s all I thought being alive was about… but when your thoughts betray you, and emotions betray you… what’s left? I was in despair because I couldn’t answer that but later I understood. There IS something else and we are more than just our thoughts and just our feelings.
I just want to tell everyone to not give up on yourselves and to take a stand, face your fears and let your preoccupations and obessions go, you do that by accepting how you are in all your misery. It’s very hard to accept but acceptance is really the first step to recovery. Can you accept it? I know I couldn’t for a long long time but eventually it comes. As long as you have hope, try hard, and know that even when you have nothing left there is still more.
Do the opposite of what your anxiety want’s you to do and you’ll come out on top of it.

Do the opposite of what your anxiety want’s you to do and you’ll come out on top of it.

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