Might I add

We had great sex this morning. I have noticed that we’ve increased our sex activity recently. I think it directly relates to the fact that I am asking my husband how he is feeling.¬†It is so easy, anyone can do that! I just wasn’t doing it, and I didn’t even realise it. At the moment its almost four times the amount than usual for us which is great!

So despite my raging depression today, I did have good sex this morning. Or should I say I had good loving this morning, what ever you want to call it! ūüôā

 

 

LIFE IS SO GOOD

I just want to write while its so good. Just so you know I have suffered tremendously from Relationship OCD, but not right now. Here is a few things that has been going on. I hope it helps someone!

I’ve been going so great. Been loving my husband so much. He’s my best friend.
I cried to him this morning that I felt so let down by people. And he agreed that people are so fickle. I felt upset with some friends that they where so successful in friendships. And he said to me, “No, thats just popularity. They’re just popular, thats not a really close real friendship”. Such wisdom!!! I felt so supported and loved by him.

I am just so excited about our garden and life. I really want everything to look nice. For so long I have felt like I just can’t keep up with the Jones’ but I have felt a healthy amount of competition, where I just want to lift my game and make the most of our amazing garden. We are so unbelieveably blessed with where we are living. It just gives us so many interests and projects that we didn’t have access to in Australia.

Another thing that has moved our relationship to another level, is John pointed out to me that I never asked him about his feelings. I am so pleased I have this new bit of understanding that i can use to our advantage. It seems to have cleared away a lot of anger between us. I am not even upset when he is upset anymore. I just seem to be able to love him. Yes the same person that has suffered from Relationship OCD that is writing this.
I am just feeling so well and secure in my love with John.

Some other things: I am on 25mg of Zoloft a day. I believe it has stopped the intrusive thoughts shooting in so much.

Another thing and this is a BIG one!!!!: I have a spiritual mentor (Christian), and she said she has been learning from God a lot about shame recently in her healing rooms. She said to me just the other week that she thinks I have a spirit of shame on me. She pointed out that actually the root of the spirit of shame is not necessarily my own sin, but from my ancestors (God curse’s for ten generations the sin of illegitimacy: Deuteronomy 23:1 -2 ). Illegitimacy sin: abortion, child outside of marriage. But because we have Jesus we can claim our forgiveness through him. ¬†THIS IS GOOD NEWS!!!¬†And its true, I’ve been realising that I suffer from tremendeous shame constantly! I have since I was a little girl. Chances are, one of my ancestors caused this shame to come upon me.

Anyway, I have repented of this and I am feeling so much better, I haven’t been getting the oppression when i wake in the morning, nor the sudden terror, which is like a shame. I still have a bit more to complete with my mentor to make sure I am fully delivered, but the first step is the awareness. At the moment the OCD seems to have stopped attacking my marriage, but its now been latching itself onto friendships. Telling me that nobody loves me, that they hate me and think I am hopeless, and generally that everyone is out to get me.

Anyway, aside from all this, I am feeling such peace in my marriage, and gratefulness for what we have.

 

 

Yep, you’re right … I replied sarcastically

This is an example of what it can be like living with Relationship OCD. Otherwise I guess you could call it intrusive thoughts that focus on my relationship.

So today I got an intrusive thought. 
I recalled (for no apparent reason)¬†a story of this guy (he’s a friend of a friend).
that he had cheated on his partner numerous times (whom he has children with). Then he proposed to his partner after she found out, and she said yes. And then years later he continued on to have an affair with this other woman, even though he was still with his partner (now wife??) and their children. Then I also find out (or came to the conclusion) that he actually ended up leaving his partner to be with this other woman and then he actually married her. So that was my intrusive thought of the day. The kind of thought that usually stings me like a hornet.

These are the kinds of thoughts that can be very troubling to someone that suffers from intrusive thoughts that centre around their relationships. After years of suffering (torture would be a more fitting word) I actually found out that I am not alone, that there are many suffering from what is known as Relationship OCD.

But today, I just said, yep (sarcastically), thats what I am going to do, I am going to go off and have an affair, I’m never going to be able to break it off, and then I’m going to marry that person. Yep, that is what is going to happen.

I’m deliberately exposing myself by writing this, because apparently, with intrusive thoughts, that is what you are suppose to do.

Thanks for listening!

 

 

Faith in my wellness

Today as I was walking out of the shops a notion came to mind
“I am¬†to have faith in my own wellness”

A lot of the time, when I am down spiralling, I tend to have faith in being unwell.
I reach out to others begging for them to lend me some of their faith.
Just for a moment, just a little bit, just a teaspoon of it, and then I will be all well.
But I am to have faith in my own wellness.
For there is life in these words, and life in these thoughts.

Yesterday I asked my Mum to pray for me. But you see, you need to pray the day before, because you don’t know what battles the angels may have to go through to get to your doorstep on they way to answering a prayer. The prayer was finally received by the evening, when I experienced peace in my heart. And I was able to lay down and rest.

I awoke several times. The first time to sweet smelling flowers.

Then next to sweet smelling flowers again, but this time I could sense my spirit being lifted up, raised up by the Holy Spirit. I said to God “God pull me even closer to you”. The instant I prayed this, I experienced my spirit being raised as if on an elevator, even closer to God.

Oh how I long for His presence, how I long to experience His presence continually.

This is my prayer: That I am given the gift of peace. That I may keep it whether life is smooth or rough.

Amen

 

Free Prayer Offer

I just wanted to put the offer out there to pray for anyone that needs prayer. I love to pray so let me know if you have any special prayer requests.

Mathew 18:19
Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

In my weakness the Lord is my strength

 

I loved this popping up in my FB newsfeed, it obviously reminded me of the Bible verse (also below) and I think its true. I believe that when we arm ourselves with our weakness, the devil flees, because God is then taking over where we leave off. Its by His grace alone.

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 9.40.00 am.png

2 Corinthians 12:9-11New King James Version (NKJV)

9¬†And He said to me,¬†‚ÄúMy grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.‚Ä̬†Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.¬†10¬†Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ‚Äôs sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When things don’t go how I plan

Thats how I felt about today.
Things didn’t quite go as I planned them to.
I’ve been doing so super-duper well, however today somehow things got to me a bit.

I think it was triggered at the beginning of the day when I spoke to my parents.
I could “feel” my Dad about to say something that was going to trigger my OCD, so I “cleverly stopped him” … which means I went into avoidance by stopping him elaborate. Naughty me.

One thing that trips me up is the whole “meant to be thing” And that is what Dad was about to waffle on about. He was going to say how it was lucky they had a “accident” early on in their travels because if they didn’t it would have been a much worse disaster later on in their travels. THAT is what upset my OCD brain. It probably would have been alot less hurt if I had just let him finish his waffle. Instead of taking it so personally, and thinking that he was somehow applying it to me, I could have chosen to allow him to feel good about his story. But I didn’t, I shut it out by trying to protect myself.

Then I went on to talk about life here and how I have never regretted moving continents, I said this despite what my OCD might say about it. Because of course it is always going to try and say the opposite is true. So thats all good really Рgood that I exposed myself.

However it was the waffle from Dad that got me. Dad. I always worry what he is going to say. He’s the type of person that would put his foot in it with me, as he’s a bull in a china shop.

Then I got on the phone to my husband later this evening and we had a semi-argument. Not what I planned, but I was feeling a bit anxious and a bit upset with myself that somehow the squirmy-wormy-ocd wriggled in.

Oh and one more thing, I pressed the search button tonight, so I accidentally was a bit compulsive too. More out of an old habit though that to relieve my obsession.

Anyway, thanks for watching. That was my day. Today I got a little OCD, Relationship OCD that is.