LIFE IS SO GOOD

I just want to write while its so good. Just so you know I have suffered tremendously from Relationship OCD, but not right now. Here is a few things that has been going on. I hope it helps someone!

I’ve been going so great. Been loving my husband so much. He’s my best friend.
I cried to him this morning that I felt so let down by people. And he agreed that people are so fickle. I felt upset with some friends that they where so successful in friendships. And he said to me, “No, thats just popularity. They’re just popular, thats not a really close real friendship”. Such wisdom!!! I felt so supported and loved by him.

I am just so excited about our garden and life. I really want everything to look nice. For so long I have felt like I just can’t keep up with the Jones’ but I have felt a healthy amount of competition, where I just want to lift my game and make the most of our amazing garden. We are so unbelieveably blessed with where we are living. It just gives us so many interests and projects that we didn’t have access to in Australia.

Another thing that has moved our relationship to another level, is John pointed out to me that I never asked him about his feelings. I am so pleased I have this new bit of understanding that i can use to our advantage. It seems to have cleared away a lot of anger between us. I am not even upset when he is upset anymore. I just seem to be able to love him. Yes the same person that has suffered from Relationship OCD that is writing this.
I am just feeling so well and secure in my love with John.

Some other things: I am on 25mg of Zoloft a day. I believe it has stopped the intrusive thoughts shooting in so much.

Another thing and this is a BIG one!!!!: I have a spiritual mentor (Christian), and she said she has been learning from God a lot about shame recently in her healing rooms. She said to me just the other week that she thinks I have a spirit of shame on me. She pointed out that actually the root of the spirit of shame is not necessarily my own sin, but from my ancestors (God curse’s for ten generations the sin of illegitimacy: Deuteronomy 23:1 -2 ). Illegitimacy sin: abortion, child outside of marriage. But because we have Jesus we can claim our forgiveness through him.  THIS IS GOOD NEWS!!! And its true, I’ve been realising that I suffer from tremendeous shame constantly! I have since I was a little girl. Chances are, one of my ancestors caused this shame to come upon me.

Anyway, I have repented of this and I am feeling so much better, I haven’t been getting the oppression when i wake in the morning, nor the sudden terror, which is like a shame. I still have a bit more to complete with my mentor to make sure I am fully delivered, but the first step is the awareness. At the moment the OCD seems to have stopped attacking my marriage, but its now been latching itself onto friendships. Telling me that nobody loves me, that they hate me and think I am hopeless, and generally that everyone is out to get me.

Anyway, aside from all this, I am feeling such peace in my marriage, and gratefulness for what we have.

 

 

Faith in my wellness

Today as I was walking out of the shops a notion came to mind
“I am to have faith in my own wellness”

A lot of the time, when I am down spiralling, I tend to have faith in being unwell.
I reach out to others begging for them to lend me some of their faith.
Just for a moment, just a little bit, just a teaspoon of it, and then I will be all well.
But I am to have faith in my own wellness.
For there is life in these words, and life in these thoughts.

Yesterday I asked my Mum to pray for me. But you see, you need to pray the day before, because you don’t know what battles the angels may have to go through to get to your doorstep on they way to answering a prayer. The prayer was finally received by the evening, when I experienced peace in my heart. And I was able to lay down and rest.

I awoke several times. The first time to sweet smelling flowers.

Then next to sweet smelling flowers again, but this time I could sense my spirit being lifted up, raised up by the Holy Spirit. I said to God “God pull me even closer to you”. The instant I prayed this, I experienced my spirit being raised as if on an elevator, even closer to God.

Oh how I long for His presence, how I long to experience His presence continually.

This is my prayer: That I am given the gift of peace. That I may keep it whether life is smooth or rough.

Amen

 

OCD

My thoughts today. I think the thing that makes the person feel ill about the OCD thing is the repeated urge to solve something. Its like a task master telling you, that you have to complete the steps (rituals/compulsions) and additionally solve the dilemma. If you don’t do this, then you cannot enjoy what you are otherwise doing. In fact you aren’t allowed to do it at all.

God give me the strength today,  in the name of Jesus. That “ill feeling” has returned, I was quite enjoying life without it. Forgive me for all my sins and deliver me from what ever it is that I cannot see or do myself. Have mercy on all those that suffer from this disease today, and particularly those that suffer from Relationship OCD. I pray for breakthrough and deliverance, and I pray we hear testimony of this for the building up of other believers. Thank you, I ask this in Jesus name who died so that I and many more could overcome this. Amen

OCD … thats not true

Some more lies tried to run me over today, but I decided not to believe in them AGAIN.
I am not completely sure why, but I seem to be developing the ability to “see” more and more of my misperceptions. The below verse comes to mind as I write this:

1 Corinthians 3:6 I planted the seed, Apollos watered the plants, but God made you grow.

I suppose the reason being, is I planted the seed (decided to believe it was a lie) by doing this I then walked forward in faith and was watered by those who responded around me. However it’s neither I who planted or those who watered who is at the center of this process – its God. He’s given me the ability through the action of faith to transform my mind so that I can see.

Today I believed the lie that I wasn’t good enough, well it was for a short moment, until I decided to give it the boot and be the lovely person I really am. I felt so empowered. Instead of cowering or bowing down to the lie, I stood proud, proud of my body (ignored the lie that I should feel ashamed), and I let my personality shine. I let my intelligence come forth, my love come forth and my social butterfly strengths where unleashed. I smiled, I felt as good as the people I was talking too. I felt confident, I felt worthwhile and I felt valuable. Sorry. lets take out that “felt” part, because actually it was more important to say that “I was confident, worthwhile and valuable”, and the feeling on this occasion happened to follow.

I am noticing recently, that my mind has been responding to a simple and immediate response of: “Thats not true”. This has been my response to all OCD thoughts. They don’t get entertained fullstop. And my mind has been strengthened because I have decided to believe it myself. I am tired of looking for proof from some outside source – its an illusion that will never be quenched.

I’ve noticed that even with people that I feel intimidated by, I realise I still have the “way out” that the Lord promises me … that “way out” is to not agree with the intimidation, and I can say “thats not true”. It persists for a bit, but after a while, I am noticing my mind is really responding to the training I have been giving it. God has been good and is making my mind strong as a reward!!

Thats liberating. Thats freedom. On other days I suffer from Relationship OCD, doesn’t seem I suffer from it today though.

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rOCD hope stories #2

Below is a great testimony I read ….. For your hope, and mine!!! (Note I have edited out parts) for the full version, click the link below.

Read more: http://www.healthboards.com/boards/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/477855-relationship-ocd-ocd-recovery.html#ixzz47iQC6qEI

I havn’t posted on this forum in ages , first and foremost i’m too scared to do so because i revisit the terrible feelings i experienced while going through relationship ocd and worring about my sexuality.

i must say at the time it almost crippled my life my relationship , my health and me as a person. I broke up with my gf 3 years ago ( now with GOD’S help the help of my psych and my will we’re getting married ) because i kept doubting how i felt about her , it was traumatic for her and myself.

I thought i wasn’t in love with her , i noticed all her faults ( as no one is perfect ) and kept worrying about them, thinking she wasn’t the one for me. i would look at her to test if i felt anything ( butterflies ) and usually i didn’t.

This freaked me out , we argued , we cried , i’d wake up at weird hours ,
i confessed and eventually i broke down thinking she wasn’t for me. I

essentially pushed out the love of my life and it was a terrible experience for me because deep down i loved her but ocd was telling me and made me feel ( and still does ) like i didn’t . Like i said what freaked me out is that it reallly felt like i didn’t love her , and when i would ask people they would say ohh you probably don’t love her ( not knowing that i had ocd or what it can do to me ) . Whilst on our second break i had a thought maybe i don’t love women and maybe i just like men. From this day i spiralled further into depression , i hated work , i was scared and had no one to turn to except GOD. Everyday i would prey hoping i could figure myself out , but let me tell you GOD will only help those who help themselves. I visited 2 psychologists who did help but didn’t know enough about ocd to understand it and help me recover.

Then one day i met a psych who was very experienced with ocd , at the time i though i had it but i didn’t believe it was bad and was the cause of me thinking this way. This psych even has ocd himself and has spent a decade researching and writing books about ocd. He told me that what i was going through was ocd and that he had dealt with many people like me and alot had recovered, i still doubted him and it took 2 weeks for me to realise that i had ocd and was the cause of all this , it was such a relief.

The professor was expensive but i knew health both mental and physical happiness and well being was priceless so i paid and am still paying for his help. I can no say that i don’t worry so much about being attracted to guys , as i know i’m not like that, i can now say that i don’t worry so much about doubting my feelings for my fiance, things worry me everyday but i no longer feel so depressed , i do have my ups and downs and back then luvox also helped me step away from it all and did help me start recovering. Guys i feel better, and although i’m scared that just because i wrote this something bad will now happen to me i want to give you and not only you but me hope. Hope that you can do this. All you need is belief in God , i’m not a preacher but it helped me , you also need to move on through the toughest of times and not give up until you start feeling happy again , start feeling normal again, try whatever it takes to make you happy, if your meds aren’t working ( cautiously ) take others, if your psych isn’t working find another or a specialist in ocd ( very important ) and do as much research as you can because if you don’t do it know one will. You know what is making you upset so fix it! weather it is relationship ocd , fear of death , fear of aids anything please get help.

Turns out i’ve had ocd my whole life and at times it has got the better of me , when i was a kid i ate soap so my brother wouldn’t die — ocd will make you do anything to get rid of that depressing feeling , fight it and don’t give up. To this day is still have doubts but i must say they are under control , and my fiance and i still argue at times and again sometimes my ocd makes it so much worse because it magnifies everything but please keep chipping away and find happiness because you deserve it.

I only wrote this post because a member wrote an inspiring post when i was really down , it not only gave me hope but helped in my recovery , yes it might come back but God is with me and i just have to keep trying 

Don’t give up, the glass is half full…

Peace

Tonight my husband came home from work, and I was down with the kids putting them to sleep. There was a sense of peace, a sense of rest. Me sitting on the carpet with my daughter curled up going to sleep while I had one hand in the cot resting my hand on my son. I often forget this peace, which is why I am writing about it now. The sense of complete.

When he came home I just loved listening to him and the way he looked. That soft look that I like. I bought him some flowers, because he always said early in our relationship that he always wanted to receive flowers. Not that I do it often, but today I thought that i would give without waiting to receive.

Peace. Now its bed time and I am going to bed with hope and love in my heart and household.

That was my evening.

I struggle with Relationship OCD but peace is also a part of my story.