LIFE IS SO GOOD

I just want to write while its so good. Just so you know I have suffered tremendously from Relationship OCD, but not right now. Here is a few things that has been going on. I hope it helps someone!

I’ve been going so great. Been loving my husband so much. He’s my best friend.
I cried to him this morning that I felt so let down by people. And he agreed that people are so fickle. I felt upset with some friends that they where so successful in friendships. And he said to me, “No, thats just popularity. They’re just popular, thats not a really close real friendship”. Such wisdom!!! I felt so supported and loved by him.

I am just so excited about our garden and life. I really want everything to look nice. For so long I have felt like I just can’t keep up with the Jones’ but I have felt a healthy amount of competition, where I just want to lift my game and make the most of our amazing garden. We are so unbelieveably blessed with where we are living. It just gives us so many interests and projects that we didn’t have access to in Australia.

Another thing that has moved our relationship to another level, is John pointed out to me that I never asked him about his feelings. I am so pleased I have this new bit of understanding that i can use to our advantage. It seems to have cleared away a lot of anger between us. I am not even upset when he is upset anymore. I just seem to be able to love him. Yes the same person that has suffered from Relationship OCD that is writing this.
I am just feeling so well and secure in my love with John.

Some other things: I am on 25mg of Zoloft a day. I believe it has stopped the intrusive thoughts shooting in so much.

Another thing and this is a BIG one!!!!: I have a spiritual mentor (Christian), and she said she has been learning from God a lot about shame recently in her healing rooms. She said to me just the other week that she thinks I have a spirit of shame on me. She pointed out that actually the root of the spirit of shame is not necessarily my own sin, but from my ancestors (God curse’s for ten generations the sin of illegitimacy: Deuteronomy 23:1 -2 ). Illegitimacy sin: abortion, child outside of marriage. But because we have Jesus we can claim our forgiveness through him.  THIS IS GOOD NEWS!!! And its true, I’ve been realising that I suffer from tremendeous shame constantly! I have since I was a little girl. Chances are, one of my ancestors caused this shame to come upon me.

Anyway, I have repented of this and I am feeling so much better, I haven’t been getting the oppression when i wake in the morning, nor the sudden terror, which is like a shame. I still have a bit more to complete with my mentor to make sure I am fully delivered, but the first step is the awareness. At the moment the OCD seems to have stopped attacking my marriage, but its now been latching itself onto friendships. Telling me that nobody loves me, that they hate me and think I am hopeless, and generally that everyone is out to get me.

Anyway, aside from all this, I am feeling such peace in my marriage, and gratefulness for what we have.

 

 

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rOCD hope stories #2

Below is a great testimony I read ….. For your hope, and mine!!! (Note I have edited out parts) for the full version, click the link below.

Read more: http://www.healthboards.com/boards/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/477855-relationship-ocd-ocd-recovery.html#ixzz47iQC6qEI

I havn’t posted on this forum in ages , first and foremost i’m too scared to do so because i revisit the terrible feelings i experienced while going through relationship ocd and worring about my sexuality.

i must say at the time it almost crippled my life my relationship , my health and me as a person. I broke up with my gf 3 years ago ( now with GOD’S help the help of my psych and my will we’re getting married ) because i kept doubting how i felt about her , it was traumatic for her and myself.

I thought i wasn’t in love with her , i noticed all her faults ( as no one is perfect ) and kept worrying about them, thinking she wasn’t the one for me. i would look at her to test if i felt anything ( butterflies ) and usually i didn’t.

This freaked me out , we argued , we cried , i’d wake up at weird hours ,
i confessed and eventually i broke down thinking she wasn’t for me. I

essentially pushed out the love of my life and it was a terrible experience for me because deep down i loved her but ocd was telling me and made me feel ( and still does ) like i didn’t . Like i said what freaked me out is that it reallly felt like i didn’t love her , and when i would ask people they would say ohh you probably don’t love her ( not knowing that i had ocd or what it can do to me ) . Whilst on our second break i had a thought maybe i don’t love women and maybe i just like men. From this day i spiralled further into depression , i hated work , i was scared and had no one to turn to except GOD. Everyday i would prey hoping i could figure myself out , but let me tell you GOD will only help those who help themselves. I visited 2 psychologists who did help but didn’t know enough about ocd to understand it and help me recover.

Then one day i met a psych who was very experienced with ocd , at the time i though i had it but i didn’t believe it was bad and was the cause of me thinking this way. This psych even has ocd himself and has spent a decade researching and writing books about ocd. He told me that what i was going through was ocd and that he had dealt with many people like me and alot had recovered, i still doubted him and it took 2 weeks for me to realise that i had ocd and was the cause of all this , it was such a relief.

The professor was expensive but i knew health both mental and physical happiness and well being was priceless so i paid and am still paying for his help. I can no say that i don’t worry so much about being attracted to guys , as i know i’m not like that, i can now say that i don’t worry so much about doubting my feelings for my fiance, things worry me everyday but i no longer feel so depressed , i do have my ups and downs and back then luvox also helped me step away from it all and did help me start recovering. Guys i feel better, and although i’m scared that just because i wrote this something bad will now happen to me i want to give you and not only you but me hope. Hope that you can do this. All you need is belief in God , i’m not a preacher but it helped me , you also need to move on through the toughest of times and not give up until you start feeling happy again , start feeling normal again, try whatever it takes to make you happy, if your meds aren’t working ( cautiously ) take others, if your psych isn’t working find another or a specialist in ocd ( very important ) and do as much research as you can because if you don’t do it know one will. You know what is making you upset so fix it! weather it is relationship ocd , fear of death , fear of aids anything please get help.

Turns out i’ve had ocd my whole life and at times it has got the better of me , when i was a kid i ate soap so my brother wouldn’t die — ocd will make you do anything to get rid of that depressing feeling , fight it and don’t give up. To this day is still have doubts but i must say they are under control , and my fiance and i still argue at times and again sometimes my ocd makes it so much worse because it magnifies everything but please keep chipping away and find happiness because you deserve it.

I only wrote this post because a member wrote an inspiring post when i was really down , it not only gave me hope but helped in my recovery , yes it might come back but God is with me and i just have to keep trying 

Don’t give up, the glass is half full…

rOCD Hope stories #1

I thought I’d put together some links of some other stories of people that survived Relationship OCD. I would say, that the way any kind of OCD starts, is when we question. I think when we question, that is when we run into trouble and become unsure. This is the originating trigger. The excerpt below is not my story, but parts of someone elses story that just might help!!!

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/anxiety/181403-my-story-beating-anxiety-depression-ocd.html

Eventually I sorted out my doubts about my marriage and learned that it doesn’t matter, that there is no “answer” to love and it doesn’t matter if you have doubts about your feelings. Many people do and it’s normal. I eventually learned that love is not something out there that serves you to make you feel good all that time. I learned that all the things I felt marriage was supposed to GIVE me was not owed to me but what I had to build. I finally saw how selfish a person I really was and decided to do things more for other people instead of taking and expecting. Eventually I learned to let things go and that was the beginning to my slow road to recovery.
Even after I started changing myself for the better, the effects of my depression, anxiety, and ocd have really taken a toll on my mind and body and was taking on a life of it’s own. I started improving by learning to let go of my over concerns for feeling good. Here was the key for me, once I gave up having to feel perfect that was when I actually started getting better. One guy at work who has lifelong insomnia told me that my insomnia was nothing. He told me I was just an amateur insomniac he said, “you gotta be like me, and not give a shiit”. I couldn’t accept that initially, but eventually I understood that by not accepting my problem I was making it worse.
My gay ocd I started to conquer when my sister asked me if I still liked girls. I told her yeah. But I can’t stop looking at men. Eventually I saw that the way I look at men and women are totally different. When I look at men I look at them because I am scared that I’d be attracted to them and that gives me anxiety.
Eventually I said to myself what’s the worst thing I can be? Bisexual? So what? Bisexuals can choose, what’s your choice? When it came to having sex with men, I asked myself is this what I want? My answer was no. Do I PLAN on actually pursuing a homosexual encounter and reenacting these scenarios in real life? My answer was hell no. Do I plan to? No. So do I want to? No. Eventually after a long time, I could let that go. Like my insomnia once I stopped caring about the worst case scenario of being bisexual, the fears started tapering off.
In any case the more I came to realize this the more I could release my obsession with my obsessions and anxiety if that makes any sense. When I stopped running from my own crazy imagination and just let them be, the less they occurred.
I saw the undercurrent of my own being if you will, who I am, who I was, and know now that it’s up to me to become who I want to become. Thoughts, feelings, emotions… I guess in the past that’s all I thought being alive was about… but when your thoughts betray you, and emotions betray you… what’s left? I was in despair because I couldn’t answer that but later I understood. There IS something else and we are more than just our thoughts and just our feelings.
I just want to tell everyone to not give up on yourselves and to take a stand, face your fears and let your preoccupations and obessions go, you do that by accepting how you are in all your misery. It’s very hard to accept but acceptance is really the first step to recovery. Can you accept it? I know I couldn’t for a long long time but eventually it comes. As long as you have hope, try hard, and know that even when you have nothing left there is still more.
Do the opposite of what your anxiety want’s you to do and you’ll come out on top of it.

Do the opposite of what your anxiety want’s you to do and you’ll come out on top of it.

Read more: http://www.healthboards.com/boards/anxiety/181403-my-story-beating-anxiety-depression-ocd.html#ixzz47iPQRd6b

Today I’m just sad

I feel so sad today. I’m not suffering from rOCD today, however I am suffering from a bruised heart from my relationship.

You see I a little needy, always have been. And when my husband doesn’t fulfill that need in me, it just builds and builds, and if it goes unnoticed for too long, then I explode. I explode in an emotional outburst. I have feelings of being neglected, and feeling rejected.

Today we went to lunch with our friends (new friends). And I found it very very hard, because I was so emotionally upset from our argument. My friend mentioned how she met her husband. She said she was with another man at the time, but when she met her “husband to be” she “just knew” they would end up together. This is just the sort of thing that normally triggers off my rOCD, except today it didn’t because I just felt plain sad, and disappointed with my husband.

But let me get back to the subject about how she met her husband and how it affects me … You know I’ve had that feeling before too. One guy especially, I just “knew” we where going to be together one day, I worked with him for two years, and went out for lunch with him for years. But that never happened. I “knew” he was the one for me for about 10 years. Nothing even close to happened, he didn’t make one step towards it. He married the girl he was with at the time 15 years later and now has children. Another guy at college, I just “knew” I was going to be with him one day too, kissed him once, but nothing even close to happening after that, we didn’t even talk and I still “knew” I was somehow going to be with him. Oh and the guy at the pool bar I use to work with, I just “knew” he was for me … nope, nothing remotely close to eventuating.

Oh and of course the one “love of my life”, when I left the UK, I just “knew” we’d be together again one day. At the time I couldn’t handle him and his partying ways, so I thought really I’d have to let him get it out of his system as I couldn’t keep up with him. But I just “knew” that he would be professing his undying love for me, and that he would follow me all the way to Australia. He called me twice upon my return, maybe another time  when he was out partying. I was so distraught about the whole thing, that I called him and told him off for not contacting me. I never heard from him again, even though I “knew” he was the one for me. So what on earth is this just “knowing” business?

Funny thing is our friends’ Mum left her father because he drank too much. She left him so give him a kick up the bum so that he would stop drinking. But unfortunately it had the opposite effect, he drank more, so they never got back together. That was her plan, to get back together. How tragic is that? Perhaps she just “knew” they’d be together again too. Except they didn’t. Didn’t happen.

Thats my day, and now I go back to nursing my bruised heart. My husband doesn’t understand why we need to argue, and I don’t understand why he can’t give more to me emotionally. Neither of us know what to do right now, as we’ve moved to the UK with two small precious children, so I feel somewhat “stuck”. Where is God when I need Him the most? Where is God when I need His Holy Spirit to heal, comfort and make me whole. That is my suffering of today, and on other days, I suffer from rOCD. A relatively new form of OCD, but becoming more and more recognised.

Lord I call out to you, I need you.

Amen

 

Peace

Tonight my husband came home from work, and I was down with the kids putting them to sleep. There was a sense of peace, a sense of rest. Me sitting on the carpet with my daughter curled up going to sleep while I had one hand in the cot resting my hand on my son. I often forget this peace, which is why I am writing about it now. The sense of complete.

When he came home I just loved listening to him and the way he looked. That soft look that I like. I bought him some flowers, because he always said early in our relationship that he always wanted to receive flowers. Not that I do it often, but today I thought that i would give without waiting to receive.

Peace. Now its bed time and I am going to bed with hope and love in my heart and household.

That was my evening.

I struggle with Relationship OCD but peace is also a part of my story.