Faith in my wellness

Today as I was walking out of the shops a notion came to mind
“I am to have faith in my own wellness”

A lot of the time, when I am down spiralling, I tend to have faith in being unwell.
I reach out to others begging for them to lend me some of their faith.
Just for a moment, just a little bit, just a teaspoon of it, and then I will be all well.
But I am to have faith in my own wellness.
For there is life in these words, and life in these thoughts.

Yesterday I asked my Mum to pray for me. But you see, you need to pray the day before, because you don’t know what battles the angels may have to go through to get to your doorstep on they way to answering a prayer. The prayer was finally received by the evening, when I experienced peace in my heart. And I was able to lay down and rest.

I awoke several times. The first time to sweet smelling flowers.

Then next to sweet smelling flowers again, but this time I could sense my spirit being lifted up, raised up by the Holy Spirit. I said to God “God pull me even closer to you”. The instant I prayed this, I experienced my spirit being raised as if on an elevator, even closer to God.

Oh how I long for His presence, how I long to experience His presence continually.

This is my prayer: That I am given the gift of peace. That I may keep it whether life is smooth or rough.




Free Prayer Offer

I just wanted to put the offer out there to pray for anyone that needs prayer. I love to pray so let me know if you have any special prayer requests.

Mathew 18:19
Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

OCD, the gut and sauerkraut


I suffer from OCD, and have done alot of research on the physical aspects so I can tackle it from all angles. Research shows that there is a physical component to OCD. The basal ganglia part of the brain, is the area that is notably disrupted for those who suffer from OCD. Also what is interesting, is that there are reports that the onset of OCD is often triggered by the event of strep throat, AND it has been reported that bad bacteria in tummy is also linked to mental health.

WELL. I seem to have had a very long history of tummy upset, and general digestive upsets. But most notably, just when my body seems to be well again, after a couple of days, I get a slightly ill tummy, bloating in my intestinal track, then diahorrea. Its so frustrating, as I feel like my body is being starved of nutrients.  I am about 5kgs less than I would like to be. Prior to the onset of my OCD, I would actually have the “luxury” of wanting to LOOSE some weight, however it hasn’t been like that in years, now I struggle to put weight on.

Things started to click into place, when I got onto yoghurt probiotics to help settle my stomach, as I got the inkling that maybe it was bad bacteria I was dealing with. This seemed to help on a whole, but still I needed something more. This is when I discovered sauerkraut, it has the same “good bacteria” as the pro-biotics, but with added nutritional benefits. I’ve been eating copious amounts of it, and it seems to have moved the ill feeling in my tummy, and broken down a constant big lump of gas that sits in my upper intestines. The lump of gas in my upper intestines/stomach would actually make a squelching sound when I pushed in and out .. Anyway, its gone. Only downside is I am farting alot (excuse me), but I think this is a good thing, as it is moving everything nasty out of me. Oh and my tummy is feeling great. I have been waking up feeling full of vitality, I don’t normally feel like this!

Halleluliah! I really think this is going to get my body back on track and my body weight back to how it should be. I am going to have my beautiful body back PRAISE GOD!!!!!

I suffer from Relationship OCD which are my hardest days (but not today though). Sauerkraut-in-bowl-010.jpg

Don’t take OCD thoughts seriously


I found the following testimony online today, and I thought I’d share it. This is not MY story, but this article has alot treasures in it for OCD sufferers. The form of OCD I suffer from is Relationship OCD. I hope this girls story helps you what ever kid of OCD you suffer from. And as my husband says … we all have OCD to varying degrees 🙂 I’ve highlighted the parts that are the most valuable to me.

Don’t take OCD ‘doubts’ seriously

 I suffered from mild  OCD for 4 years. It started in 2010 and lasted till 2014. My OCD was mainly the ‘checking’ type (i.e door knobs, gas stove knobs, checking mails again and again before sending to see if I am really conveying what I wanted to etc)

I’m happy to say that I’m almost completely recovered now. Sure, there are episodes when i get pulled back to old ‘checking and rechecking’ habits but it is usually very short-lived and I am able to jump back to normalcy very quickly.

I want to briefly share with you what helped me. If your OCD is of different type than my own give it a try. Anyway I believe that foundation for all kinds of OCD is ‘doubt’ and in that way all types of OCD are similar and it is likely that what has helped treating my type of OCD can help treat your type also. Please don’t lose heart; OCD is very treatable with various kind of therapies like CBT, ET etc…and medicines……it is just a matter of time before you narrow down (with the help of a therapist/psychiatrist) on what works best for you.

Experts believe the OCD is a disease mostly of the doubt, i.e it originates because of the doubts your mind comes up with. (Example: I know I switched off the gas knob but somewhere there is a doubt in my mind that I didn’t do it etc.). In fact, earlier OCD used to be called ‘doubting disease’.

OCD gets going when you start taking this ‘doubt’ seriously. You think ‘oh..somewhere in the corner of my mind there is a doubt whether i really switched off  the gas…maybe that doubt is legitimate?’ Giving credence to this doubt is what gives the OCD its foothold. So if you have doubts like this then below are some points to help you disregard/ignore these doubts:

1) Say to yourself : I know this doubt is there in my mind whether I switched off the gas or not. But it is just a doubt..I KNOW in a corner of my mind that I switched off the gas. So whatever this ‘doubt’ I am having is illegitimate…it’s just a trick that my mind is playing…so I will not take the doubt seriously. And by the way, is this ‘doubt’ telling me that it is 100% sure that I have NOT switched off the gas ? No it is not doing that…the stupid thing is just teasing me that’s all…I won’t take it serously. And also, there are two thoughts in my mind…one is saying that it is ~70% sure that I switched off the gas and the other is saying that it is ~30% sure that I didn’t switch off the gas…so I will give credence to ~70% thought and not to the ~30% thought(doubt).I will give credence to the doubt only when there is NO part of mind saying that it thinks that I actually I did turn off the gas.

So whenever you have these kind of negative doubts just say  to yourself  “it just FEELS that way but i know deep down what the fact is”

2) The Pink Elephant theory and the ‘No 100% assurance from the mind’ theory:If you don’t want to think about the pink elephant then rest assured thatthat is what your mind is going to think of. That is the nature of the mind. Looking at this in another way, if you insist on your mind giving you 100% assurance thatyou have switched off the gas then most definitely that is what your mind is NOT going to give you (this is the same mechanism that brings pink elephant to your mind when that is exactly what you don’t want). It WILL plant some doubt in your mind that you might not have switched off the gas. Mind will not give you 100% assurance…that is simply not in its nature. But it WILL give you enough assurance so that deep inside you you would KNOW which is fact and which is ‘illegitimate doubt’. Just grab this ‘sufficient assurance’ that your mind is giving you and move forward (in other words, disregard the ‘doubt’ element and move forward).

( A note on the 100% certainty thingy. You should think that you ARE 100% sure that you HAVE turned the switch off even though your mind is not giving you 100% assurance of that fact. You can take the ‘sufficient assurance’ given by the mind and treat it as 100%. Actually this is what you would be doing when you disregard the ‘doubt’.

(Also, the goal is NOT to GET RID of the doubt. Getting rid of the doubt is not possible because your mind won’t allow it. It is again the Pink Elephant scenario. The goal is to IGNORE/DISREGARD the doubt.)

3) Just think of what would ‘normal non-ocd’ people do when they get this kind of doubt. I’m sure they just disregard it saying ‘it just FEELS that way but I KNOW that it is not true’ and move on. Otherwise almost everybody would end up with OCD because almost everybody has these kinds of doubts. Should we allow just some silly doubts to bring us down to our knees ? No sir! Ignore the doubts and move forward. 

4) What if you start getting ‘doubts’ in ALL parts of your life; what will you do then ?

– I know that gas looks off but is it really off? Can I really trust my eyes , my nose, my senses ???- I know I hear him saying ‘yes’ but is my mind giving me 100% assurance that he said ‘yes’ and not ‘no’?

Yikes!! It can go on and on…

There is really no other way. You have to STOP taking these doubts seriously by saying that ‘it just FEELs that way…but I know deep down what the reality is’. (Actually, OCD sufferers do do this…in non-OCD parts of their life. For example: My OCD type is ‘checking’. But if you point out to me that my hands might contain lot of harmful germs even after I’ve washed my hands properly with soap(which is the doubt corresponding to ‘washing’ type of OCD) I would say ‘it just FEELS that way…I am sufficiently sure that almost all harmful germs have gone after I washed my hands with soap…and even if some germs are still present I’m sufficiently sure they are harmless because other people also have those many germs and they are all doing fine. etc. etc. )


5) Even when you are suffering from OCD and performing all the rituals of checking and rechecking the gas knob, you do still disregard the doubt in the end.How, do you ask ? Well, is the doubt 100% gone after all the checking and rechecking ? It has not, correct ? Remember the pink elephant ? What happens is you get exhausted after all this checking and rechecking umpteen times and just get fed up and say ‘I can’t do it any more…I’m tired. Even though the doubt is not gone, I am sufficiently sure that I have really switched off the knob. That much is enough for me.’

So, why wait till you are exhausted and wasted lot of time before saying ‘Even though the doubt is not gone, I am sufficiently sure that I have really switched off the knob. That much is enough for me’ ? Why not do it right after you have switched off the knob (and checked only once to make sure), and escape from all the suffering and wasting of time?

6) Don’t believe the world is total chaos without any order. There is order…life has evolved, why humans have evolved. Without order it would all have been dust with no life evolving whatsoever. If your mind is giving you ‘sufficient assurance’ of something then that is all you need. You don’t need absolute assurance or 100% assurance from the mind.

7) I read a book which talks about how the key to tackling OCD is ignoring/disregarding the ‘doubt’ element, which is essentially the same thing that I have explained above. I have forgotten the name of the book but google ‘IBT’ (Inference Based Therapy, I think it means). I think it is called ‘Clinicians handbook of IBT’ or something like that. Read it if you can find it. It is meant for professional therapists but I think even patients can benefit from it.

Some of the above mentioned points are from some of the OCD books I have read and some I have come up with on my own.

If you think all this has helped you please share it with other people who you think will benefit from it. Also, please contact a professional therapist/psychatrist to get additional treatment.


rOCD hope stories #2

Below is a great testimony I read ….. For your hope, and mine!!! (Note I have edited out parts) for the full version, click the link below.

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I havn’t posted on this forum in ages , first and foremost i’m too scared to do so because i revisit the terrible feelings i experienced while going through relationship ocd and worring about my sexuality.

i must say at the time it almost crippled my life my relationship , my health and me as a person. I broke up with my gf 3 years ago ( now with GOD’S help the help of my psych and my will we’re getting married ) because i kept doubting how i felt about her , it was traumatic for her and myself.

I thought i wasn’t in love with her , i noticed all her faults ( as no one is perfect ) and kept worrying about them, thinking she wasn’t the one for me. i would look at her to test if i felt anything ( butterflies ) and usually i didn’t.

This freaked me out , we argued , we cried , i’d wake up at weird hours ,
i confessed and eventually i broke down thinking she wasn’t for me. I

essentially pushed out the love of my life and it was a terrible experience for me because deep down i loved her but ocd was telling me and made me feel ( and still does ) like i didn’t . Like i said what freaked me out is that it reallly felt like i didn’t love her , and when i would ask people they would say ohh you probably don’t love her ( not knowing that i had ocd or what it can do to me ) . Whilst on our second break i had a thought maybe i don’t love women and maybe i just like men. From this day i spiralled further into depression , i hated work , i was scared and had no one to turn to except GOD. Everyday i would prey hoping i could figure myself out , but let me tell you GOD will only help those who help themselves. I visited 2 psychologists who did help but didn’t know enough about ocd to understand it and help me recover.

Then one day i met a psych who was very experienced with ocd , at the time i though i had it but i didn’t believe it was bad and was the cause of me thinking this way. This psych even has ocd himself and has spent a decade researching and writing books about ocd. He told me that what i was going through was ocd and that he had dealt with many people like me and alot had recovered, i still doubted him and it took 2 weeks for me to realise that i had ocd and was the cause of all this , it was such a relief.

The professor was expensive but i knew health both mental and physical happiness and well being was priceless so i paid and am still paying for his help. I can no say that i don’t worry so much about being attracted to guys , as i know i’m not like that, i can now say that i don’t worry so much about doubting my feelings for my fiance, things worry me everyday but i no longer feel so depressed , i do have my ups and downs and back then luvox also helped me step away from it all and did help me start recovering. Guys i feel better, and although i’m scared that just because i wrote this something bad will now happen to me i want to give you and not only you but me hope. Hope that you can do this. All you need is belief in God , i’m not a preacher but it helped me , you also need to move on through the toughest of times and not give up until you start feeling happy again , start feeling normal again, try whatever it takes to make you happy, if your meds aren’t working ( cautiously ) take others, if your psych isn’t working find another or a specialist in ocd ( very important ) and do as much research as you can because if you don’t do it know one will. You know what is making you upset so fix it! weather it is relationship ocd , fear of death , fear of aids anything please get help.

Turns out i’ve had ocd my whole life and at times it has got the better of me , when i was a kid i ate soap so my brother wouldn’t die — ocd will make you do anything to get rid of that depressing feeling , fight it and don’t give up. To this day is still have doubts but i must say they are under control , and my fiance and i still argue at times and again sometimes my ocd makes it so much worse because it magnifies everything but please keep chipping away and find happiness because you deserve it.

I only wrote this post because a member wrote an inspiring post when i was really down , it not only gave me hope but helped in my recovery , yes it might come back but God is with me and i just have to keep trying 

Don’t give up, the glass is half full…

rOCD Hope stories #1

I thought I’d put together some links of some other stories of people that survived Relationship OCD. I would say, that the way any kind of OCD starts, is when we question. I think when we question, that is when we run into trouble and become unsure. This is the originating trigger. The excerpt below is not my story, but parts of someone elses story that just might help!!!

Eventually I sorted out my doubts about my marriage and learned that it doesn’t matter, that there is no “answer” to love and it doesn’t matter if you have doubts about your feelings. Many people do and it’s normal. I eventually learned that love is not something out there that serves you to make you feel good all that time. I learned that all the things I felt marriage was supposed to GIVE me was not owed to me but what I had to build. I finally saw how selfish a person I really was and decided to do things more for other people instead of taking and expecting. Eventually I learned to let things go and that was the beginning to my slow road to recovery.
Even after I started changing myself for the better, the effects of my depression, anxiety, and ocd have really taken a toll on my mind and body and was taking on a life of it’s own. I started improving by learning to let go of my over concerns for feeling good. Here was the key for me, once I gave up having to feel perfect that was when I actually started getting better. One guy at work who has lifelong insomnia told me that my insomnia was nothing. He told me I was just an amateur insomniac he said, “you gotta be like me, and not give a shiit”. I couldn’t accept that initially, but eventually I understood that by not accepting my problem I was making it worse.
My gay ocd I started to conquer when my sister asked me if I still liked girls. I told her yeah. But I can’t stop looking at men. Eventually I saw that the way I look at men and women are totally different. When I look at men I look at them because I am scared that I’d be attracted to them and that gives me anxiety.
Eventually I said to myself what’s the worst thing I can be? Bisexual? So what? Bisexuals can choose, what’s your choice? When it came to having sex with men, I asked myself is this what I want? My answer was no. Do I PLAN on actually pursuing a homosexual encounter and reenacting these scenarios in real life? My answer was hell no. Do I plan to? No. So do I want to? No. Eventually after a long time, I could let that go. Like my insomnia once I stopped caring about the worst case scenario of being bisexual, the fears started tapering off.
In any case the more I came to realize this the more I could release my obsession with my obsessions and anxiety if that makes any sense. When I stopped running from my own crazy imagination and just let them be, the less they occurred.
I saw the undercurrent of my own being if you will, who I am, who I was, and know now that it’s up to me to become who I want to become. Thoughts, feelings, emotions… I guess in the past that’s all I thought being alive was about… but when your thoughts betray you, and emotions betray you… what’s left? I was in despair because I couldn’t answer that but later I understood. There IS something else and we are more than just our thoughts and just our feelings.
I just want to tell everyone to not give up on yourselves and to take a stand, face your fears and let your preoccupations and obessions go, you do that by accepting how you are in all your misery. It’s very hard to accept but acceptance is really the first step to recovery. Can you accept it? I know I couldn’t for a long long time but eventually it comes. As long as you have hope, try hard, and know that even when you have nothing left there is still more.
Do the opposite of what your anxiety want’s you to do and you’ll come out on top of it.

Do the opposite of what your anxiety want’s you to do and you’ll come out on top of it.

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