Today I’m just sad

I feel so sad today. I’m not suffering from rOCD today, however I am suffering from a bruised heart from my relationship.

You see I a little needy, always have been. And when my husband doesn’t fulfill that need in me, it just builds and builds, and if it goes unnoticed for too long, then I explode. I explode in an emotional outburst. I have feelings of being neglected, and feeling rejected.

Today we went to lunch with our friends (new friends). And I found it very very hard, because I was so emotionally upset from our argument. My friend mentioned how she met her husband. She said she was with another man at the time, but when she met her “husband to be” she “just knew” they would end up together. This is just the sort of thing that normally triggers off my rOCD, except today it didn’t because I just felt plain sad, and disappointed with my husband.

But let me get back to the subject about how she met her husband and how it affects me … You know I’ve had that feeling before too. One guy especially, I just “knew” we where going to be together one day, I worked with him for two years, and went out for lunch with him for years. But that never happened. I “knew” he was the one for me for about 10 years. Nothing even close to happened, he didn’t make one step towards it. He married the girl he was with at the time 15 years later and now has children. Another guy at college, I just “knew” I was going to be with him one day too, kissed him once, but nothing even close to happening after that, we didn’t even talk and I still “knew” I was somehow going to be with him. Oh and the guy at the pool bar I use to work with, I just “knew” he was for me … nope, nothing remotely close to eventuating.

Oh and of course the one “love of my life”, when I left the UK, I just “knew” we’d be together again one day. At the time I couldn’t handle him and his partying ways, so I thought really I’d have to let him get it out of his system as I couldn’t keep up with him. But I just “knew” that he would be professing his undying love for me, and that he would follow me all the way to Australia. He called me twice upon my return, maybe another time  when he was out partying. I was so distraught about the whole thing, that I called him and told him off for not contacting me. I never heard from him again, even though I “knew” he was the one for me. So what on earth is this just “knowing” business?

Funny thing is our friends’ Mum left her father because he drank too much. She left him so give him a kick up the bum so that he would stop drinking. But unfortunately it had the opposite effect, he drank more, so they never got back together. That was her plan, to get back together. How tragic is that? Perhaps she just “knew” they’d be together again too. Except they didn’t. Didn’t happen.

Thats my day, and now I go back to nursing my bruised heart. My husband doesn’t understand why we need to argue, and I don’t understand why he can’t give more to me emotionally. Neither of us know what to do right now, as we’ve moved to the UK with two small precious children, so I feel somewhat “stuck”. Where is God when I need Him the most? Where is God when I need His Holy Spirit to heal, comfort and make me whole. That is my suffering of today, and on other days, I suffer from rOCD. A relatively new form of OCD, but becoming more and more recognised.

Lord I call out to you, I need you.

Amen